This is a long one but there is so much information, please stick with me to the end if you’ve been seeking answers. We have been asked multiple times how we get the children to do something without fights or meltdowns. At school, we use the love and logic method. We all highly recommend it, and as always you’re welcome to contact us if you’d like more information on it.
Reminder: you are the parent and ultimately choose how to parent your child. You know in your heart what is best for your family. This is how we do it at school.
First things first, I have some news. Meltdowns…They’re going to happen. Our toddler’s brains are developing and it is developmentally appropriate for a child of this age to tantrum. We’d be more worried about a child that didn’t!
Now that I’ve gotten that news out of the way, how do we convince our toddlers that we are genuinely trying to do what is best for them and that we’d really appreciate their cooperation in keeping them safe and alive?
A few steps to follow:
1. Set the expectation/give direction clearly.
2. Offer 2 choices that will lead to the desired outcome.
3. STICK TO YOUR WORD, you have to be more stubborn than a toddler!
4. Keep sticking to your word.
5. Don’t give in now, you’re doing great!
6. Rinse and repeat to create a cycle of trust and respect with your toddler.
Let’s break it down.
After setting a boundary or giving a direction, and we see resistance on the horizon, we will offer two choices. Both of these choices are given with the desired outcome in mind. “Lunch time will be over in 3 minutes. Do you want to be all done now or in 3 minutes?” “It is time to go inside, will you walk out or should I carry you?” “It is time to sit on the toilet, do you want to go by yourself or would you like my help?”
Never give your child a choice that you are not 100% ready to follow through on. If you’re not willing to say what you mean and mean what you say, your toddler will see this as a way to take control of the situation and a lesson will be learned here. Instead of “Wow this grownup really means it no matter how upset I sound” it will be …”Hey! If I push a little harder and bargain a little longer, they will give in.”
These choices we provide put the power into the child’s hand but ultimately give the adult the desired outcome.
In a perfect world, these choices will work like a charm every time… but toddler parenting isn’t all rainbows and sunshine giggles is it?
Our little friends are developing willpower, independence, and their own concepts of freedom amongst a plethora of other skills that will help them be successful adults in the future.
But for now, you really need to leave the park and your tiny human is refusing.
Setting the child up for success is our first step. The adult will give them a heads up/warning “it will be time to go soon, one more slide or swing then we will go to the car” Allow them to play for a bit more and then getting on the child’s level set a clear boundary. “Ok, now it is time to go. You can walk with me to the car or I will carry you, but we are going now.” Allow the child time to make a choice, but if they refuse it is now your job as the adult to follow through with your end of the deal. Let them know “If you cannot make a choice I can choose for you.” You are allowed to scoop your little one up and carry them to the car if they are refusing. You’re welcome to prompt again reminding them of the boundary. “Uh oh, staying is not a choice, walk or I will carry you!” After that, no bargaining, no going back on your end of the deal.
This format can be followed for any situation, not just the park, change the boundaries and choices around to fit your family’s needs!
You are allowed to parent your child. You know what is best and you’re trying your best and we see your hard work. Please believe me when I say none of the other mommas at the park are going to judge you if the outcome from you making the decision for them has your little one upset. As parents, they have all been there too and everyone will understand! Don’t let mom or dad guilt break your child’s trust in your words.
It is our job as guardians to set boundaries and be the inflexible guardrail that keeps them safe.
Engaging in back-and-forth power struggles tells the child the choices you offered, and ultimately your choices as an adult do not hold any value. It sets up a breakable boundary where the child feels like they can get away with pushing that boundary enough to get their way and do as they please in the end. Allowing your boundaries to be broken will ultimately lead to louder and longer tantrums because you have given your child the message “if you get loud for long enough I’ll give in”.
Setting firm boundaries, offering choices, and sticking with them is not about the adult getting their way. We are teaching our children that you, the parent/adult guardrail, are in control. They will have plenty of opportunities to be in control as they grow, but for now, they only have two or three years of job experience and we need them a little more experienced before we can set them loose on the world.
Following this pattern consistently will show them that they can trust you to do what is best for them, even if it means an upset toddler for the moment.
Learning that they can trust your word now will help you so much as your children grow and find new boundaries to push.
We often remind the children in the classroom “I mean my words, I promise that won’t change.” We cannot let the fear of tantrums dictate the way we operate. Tiptoeing fearfully trying to prevent a child from being upset is ultimately a disservice. Our little friends learn that there are rules that must be followed and there are things that you don’t want to do sometimes, but oh what a great learning opportunity this is based on real world expectations.
We all want our children to be happy and capable of making choices that will benefit them in the long run. Successful adults grow from little toddlers that have the way paved for them by parents that they can trust, even if their parent’s choices might make them upset at the time. We are so lucky that toddlers are endlessly forgiving and relentlessly full of love. They may be sad for a moment, but that moment will pass and life will continue. In times of boundary-pushing, limit testing, and power struggles it is not our mission to be their friend, it is our greatest purpose to confidently and consistently guide our toddlers safely and respectfully down the correct path.
